Manchester United star Odion Ighalo

Breaking: Man United ban Odion Ighalo for being absolutely shit

Manchester United have banned Odion Ighalo from taking part in the team training on account of him being a shit footballer.

Even Jesse Fucking Lingard looks like Messi alongside him

“Obviously it was a gamble, innit?” Solskjaer was quoted by our reporter and journalist, Chuck Spadina.

“I know there are at least 50 players in the Premier League alone who are better than Odion Ighalo, but that’s not what we are about as a club,” Ole explained.

“Manchester United, as a club, have a strict policy of spending shitloads of money on local knobheads and then cry about our miserable performances. I mean that’s what makes our club a giant load of horseshit. And we couldn’t be more proud of that!

“However, I agree that we might have gotten a bit too far with the recent Ighalo transfer,” Solskjaer confessed after being pressed on the matter by our journalist Chuck Spadina.

“It’s unfortunate, really. We expected him to be out of shape, unfit, and bang average, which would have helped him fit right in at the Carrington.

“However, the lad is an absolute pile of shit. Even Jesse Lingard looked a million bucks alongside him which says a lot”, explained Solskjaer with a bemused look on his face.

“The dressing room is an absolute mess right now. Rashy has already gone down and won’t get up until we get rid of him, while Jesse Lingard has gone on a dancing spree and pledged not to stop until we ban Ighalo. Luke Shaw has even threatened to walk and injure his hamstring in the process. It’s anarchy.”

So, will banning Ighalo help calm down the United dressing room? “I sure hope so,” reckons Ole. “I mean Rashy is already up, Jesse has stopped dancing, and honestly, we don’t really care about Luke Shaw anyway, so it seems to be working!”


This is a satire

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