Manchester United have shown an interest in the services of Sporting CP’s Bruno Fernandes and here’s all you need to know about the transfer deal.
Ed Woodward – The best negotiator in the world
Our award-winning journalist and reporter, Chuck Spadina, orchestrated the transfer talks between Manchester United’s executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward and some random Portuguese agent.
Here’s how it went down:
WOODWARD – Okay, um, well, look, I want to sign Bruno Fernandes for Manchester United.
SOME RANDOM PORTUGUESE AGENT – Yeah, sure Ed. You just need to pay £30m to the club and he’s yours!
WOODWARD – No, look, you don’t fucking understand, £30m won’t cut it!
SOME RANDOM PORTUGUESE AGENT – Oh, so, you’re looking for a discount? I can, maybe, get it down to £25m, but that’s it!
WOODWARD – Are you fucking insane? £100m minimum or I’m out!
SOME RANDOM PORTUGUESE AGENT – Uhh… let me get this straight, you want to willingly overpay for the player?
WOODWARD – What, you slow or something? We already spent £85m on a defender who ain’t worth £20m. You think I give a shit?
SOME RANDOM PORTUGUESE AGENT – Umm… Ok, as you wish Ed. Deal done at £100m then!
WOODWARD – Cool, thanks some random Portuguese agent. Oh, and don’t forget the £25m bonus clause for you when we win the Premier League.
SOME RANDOM PORTUGUESE AGENT – hahaha good one Ed! Now fuck off!
This is a satire
If you aren’t a snowflake or get offended easily, just download the Banter Box android app by clicking here and vent out your frustrations against your rivals.