Manchester United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer on Harry Maguire

“I want Harry Maguire to bang his head on the goalpost” – Ole Gunnar Solskjaer

Manchester United manager, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, recently invited our award-winning journalist Chuck Spadina to the Carrington training ground to take a look at the squad’s modern training regime.

Harry Maguire is a knobhead

As per Ole Gunnar Solskjaer himself, ‘We’ve updated our plans and tactics according to the needs of the modern game.’

On being inquired by our award-winning journalist Chuck Spadina as to what he means by that statement, the Norwegian gave us an example by pointing us towards Harry Maguire in the ground:

‘There you see our £85m signing eating 4 boxes of Pizzas and then banging his head on the goalpost. Unusual, right?

‘But we want our Harry to have an even bigger head than he already does. As a Central defender, having a big head should be of massive help for him in the air.’

On being asked about the Concussion protocols, Ole replied, ‘Well, the lad is thicker than a coconut anyway. Maybe, a concussion would finally knock some sense into his head.

‘By the way, it didn’t work with Phil Jones though, so I wouldn’t be holding my breath…’

It was at this moment that Chuck Spadina spotted Jesse Lingard arguing with Fred in the corner. However, Solskjaer insisted that there was no controversy involved:

‘Oh, that’s just Jesse fulfilling his leadership duties. You know, Jesse Lingard is sort of my right-hand man at the club.

‘Whenever someone in our squad tries to deviate from our tried, tested and the ONLY plan of passing the ball to Marcus Rashford or Anthony Martial and hope for the best, Lingard has a ‘tough’ talk with them.’

And what happens if they don’t listen to the mighty Jesse? Inquired Chuck, ‘Well, you can ask Paul Pogba about that’, replied Ole.

Finally, Chuck and Ole arrived at the goalkeeper training spot where David de Gea was seen jerking off on his gloves, again, an unusual tactic:

‘Well yeah, we’ve seen David’s form drop in the recent months with them slippery fingers coming into play,’ Ole responded.

‘So, what we did was call Joe Hart and Jordan Pickford about this situation and both of them advised us with this unique modern tactic.’

But Ole, it didn’t seem to work for Pickford or Hart, our reporter Chuck Spadina opined.

‘Yeah, but I enjoy watching it,’ Ole signed off.

NOTE:

This is a satire

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