Manchester United player Jesse Linagrd

Jesse Lingard confirms: “I could score a hat-trick in every game if I wanted to”

Manchester United legend, Jesse Lingard, sat down with us to finally reveal the reasons as to why he doesn’t score goals for his club anymore.

“I am legend”

Our award-winning journalist and reporter, Chuck Spadina, sat down with Manchester United’s once in a generation legend, Jesse Lingard, after his yet another masterclass performance against Manchester City where everyone else let him down.

Q: Hello JLingz. Another day, another masterclass performance from you. But what the fans want to know is as to why Jesse Lingard doesn’t score goals anymore?

A: “Look, Chuck, the thing is, I’ve always been different. Jesse Lingard has always been unique.

“Ever since I was a kid and fans like Messi and Ronaldo used to visit my games to learn their crafts, I was always humble and special.

“I remember all the texts I used to receive from Cristiano Ronaldo where he would beg me to join him at Real Madrid, asking me for suggestions and advice after every game.

“I told him, like I tell every Mbappe’s and Hazard’s of the world, to just visualize themselves as the mighty Jlingz and the goals will follow.”

Q: So, what happened next?

A: “Look, Chuck. like I said, I’m a unique individual.

“While the Messi’s and Mbappe’s of the world copied my style and scored loads of goals, I just thought what could I do to make myself different from the rest? That’s when it came to me!”

Q: What came to you?

A: “The idea to retire from scoring goals, of course! Look, Chuck, you know this as much as anyone else, I could score a hat-trick in every game without breaking a sweat.

“But then, how would Jesse Lingard be different from any other top players of the world?

“To be different, you’ve got to do things differently. I learned this from United’s biggest legend and my dearest friend Phil Jones.

“To be honest, Phil Jones was the one who invented this idea and then passed it on to guys like Chris Smalling and Fred.

“We are still working with guys like Pogba, Pereira, Maguire, and Lindelof, helping them to become the shittiest version of themselves. Luke Shaw already seems like a natural to us.

“Sadly, guys like Rashford and Lukaku seem to have lost their way. But, we’ve got Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and Ed Woodward on our side, so that helps!”

Q: Last question JLingz. Do you have any advice for the young kids who want to become a professional footballer like you?

A: “Yeah, join a dance class, sign up on Instagram and, every once in a while, make it look like you can run and kick a ball, sometimes both simultaneously.

“It’s tricky I know, but you gotta sacrifice!”


This is a satire article.

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